Monday, November 19, 2012
I am somewhat pained today, as I have lost something which has been with me for as long as I can remember. I've always found joy in this world. I've always found love. I've always seen God, heard Him and enjoyed His presence.
Ever since my recent stance of abstinence from pornography (which I pray daily to Him to give me the strength to prolong), I've been weak. An eight hour sleep leaves me restless, and today's by far the worst. I woke up aching, went to class aching, and now I am tired. Yesterday I was on the parking team at Passion city (love those guys), and my tiredness graciously softened while I was there.
I had hoped that strength would continue with me. It frightens me that this addiction was my strength for so long, and now I am weak without it. It worries me that I put so much of my life into this addiction, without realizing it. It panics me that even now, today, as I open the Bible, I cannot see the truth in it, only words. My eyes gloss over the beautiful lyrics of this immortal song, its glorious joy translating to apathy in my head.
Similarly, my poetry has suffered. It disgusts me to think that my inspiration came from God, while my strength came from pornography, for I know that is not the case. I think this is something like a heroin addiction, where a natural chemical your body needs is replaced by the drug, and if you take away the unnatural chemical, your body either dies or goes through a horrific recovery. Thankfully, this is a calmer recovery.
I’ll need your prayers that my poetic inspiration returns. I don't want for a quicker or lighter recovery, for I deserve much worse for the damage I have wrought on myself. I do ask for the inspiration - the songs of God - to return to me and ignite my passion again, for those are not my own. I can only humbly ask for the Almighty to deem me worthy to borrow His words. If people can see that God chooses this man who was so enslaved by pornography, pride and lust to the point that his recovery physically and mentally harms him... if God can choose a chief of sinners such as myself to bring the world His Song, then people who have been hurt much more than I can see that there's a place in His Heaven for them.
For, Jesus did not come to His Creation for the saved, He came for the sinners.