I’ve got a personal post for today. For the past seven months, I have written half of this post, then scrapped it in shame. I would write it again, only to despise the way I wrote it. The subject is one that has plagued me for years, since I was much too young to know the damage it would do. The world glorifies it, and I was pulled in by its allure. I am a porn addict.
There is not much else to say, besides that I am quite embarrassed by the fact. Time and time again I have attempted to change it. I could not ask forgiveness from God, for I knew I would just commit the sin again – greedily and pridefully so – and I am much too grounded in honor to ask forgiveness for a sin I will repeat. I have had many, many deviances in real life based on this basest of degradations, and I have yet to ask for forgiveness for the lives I have wrecked. This is because, for the longest time, I knew for a fact – a cold, solid fact – that, given the chance, I would wreck someone else's life, for those minutes of prideful satisfaction. This kind of degradation has been my life for my entire teenage life.
Almost a month ago, I took a change. I came to terms with my inability to change my life alone, and found a painful way to overcome the addiction. There is accountability software – the fact that the only source that feeds my addiction comes from the internet makes it very easy to stifle. I have been free of the addiction for a little over two weeks now, and it is still a painful thing to endure.
A word on the nature of addiction: I rejected that I was addicted, for I could stop myself after only committing the sin for a small time. Addiction works with Satan. It is a coping mechanism for troubles, usurping the Godly Throne of admitting your mistakes and taking the blame and problems. It is a roost for the ones who come to it first looking for escape. After that first time, Addiction calls them back, saying always “one more time”. Then, addiction becomes the friend the likes of which you'll never need an enemy, nor see any. Any time you come under confrontation, Addiction calms you and detaches you.
You never see the desensitization to the world you live in, no. Addiction makes sure of that. You are never brought to awareness of the degradation in your life, under Addiction's spell. You simply don't observe it, for as soon as you think on the subject, Addiction simply turns you to it again. And you sin.
I feel I can say with confidence, after many, many years of flying under Addiction's banners, that I have finally risen from the depths of Addiction. I’ve burned the banners an replaced them with God's. I thank the people responsible for helping me to this change (my parents especially), and I am ashamed I did not post this sooner.