Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Do No Harm

Today, I give you two things: a semi-professional video of Passion 2012 set to the tune of Chris Tomlin's “Here For You”, and a post about me.
First, the video. I expect this to reach over a thousand views fast. Tell your friends, and your friend's friends.
Second, time to dive into my psyche. Today, I speak on one of the morals that has been passed down to me by my father, and one which I will do a great disservice to if I forgo observance of it. I cannot say I'm a professional when it comes to determining relationships, and the few loving relationships I've had ended suddenly. My father left me mostly alone in this regard, allowing me to take my own falls, though he told me one over-riding rule which, if I crossed it, he'd be disappointed: Do No Harm.
Time for a side-track... The worst thing I could do is disappoint my father. It's not the things I've done to disappoint him: if I do my best and he is disappointed, I've failed. My father doesn't hit me; if he's disappointed, that's worse than anything he could hit me with. When I disappoint my father, I hurt him. Deeply. This feeling extends to anything in the world. 
To this end, I have done my best to make every relationship I have beneficial and prosperous. Unfortunately, as many, many people will tell you, I am not exactly the most genteel person. In fact, I can name two people, [censored] and [omitted], who can attest to my offensive and insensitive manner. More on them later, as I will explain them soon.
First, I must make excuses for my offensiveness. Much of my life, as you may have guessed form many of my blog posts, I've lived with ADD. This means that things are said before I can say them. Much of my offensiveness deals with slander, and things that would never be accepted in society, though my mind is addicted to innocently finding relationships and plays on words in everything. This also means with inappropriate things, things that have absolutely nothing to do with the subject, or anything. My kindergarten teacher always said I had a talent for finding patterns. If only I could refrain from making those patterns known to the world.
Now to talk about them. [censored] and I would never have been friends. At best, we'd be classmates. Sadly, I had a crush on her the instant I saw her, and nobody bothered to let me know she had a boyfriend until the second semester. Strike one. Then, add in a few instances of what I described above, and you have strikes two, three, four, and five. Suffice it to say, she does not like me.
[omitted] would like me better lifeless. Recently, I had an incredibly terrible episode with him, and since then, he and I have agreed silently to remain silent with each other. He and I haven't liked each other for the last few years, and I can draw a straight line for his hatred, with [censored] as the source. It's interesting how much [censored] has influenced people's thoughts on who I am. Every person who's left the influence of [censored] has become more kind to me. I simply wish she would leave her source, whatever memory that black pit of hatred festers in.
What was I talking about? Oh yes, yes, Do No Harm. Throughout my high school career, I have degraded myself, mostly unintentionally, so that others would be higher than myself. Now, at senior class, I could say anything short of death threats and nobody would be alarmed (I wouldn't do that, by the way). Just like with my father, I am deathly afraid of hurting anyone through my own actions, purposefully or not. When I had that episode with [omitted], I was pretty well emptied inside. I thought I’d gotten my words under control of myself; the episode made me realize how exposed my own thoughts were to the world. To any at my school reading this (to the one person I know who reads this), I never mean any harm in anything I say, and I will explain what I said fully if you ask.
If you Do No Harm, nobody will fear you. From that, trust can build. I have a friend who has a penchant for, when he gets angry, throwing things. I do not trust this man enough to get close to him, though he is one of my best friends. Interestingly enough, I would trust [omitted]. He may have a testy character, though he is a man of moral integrity, and I see that. If there's trust between two people, a lasting friendship can be formed.
Again, I am no professional in relationships. Just one candle in a furnace.

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